Based on all
the warnings I received from Sarah, from Dr. Mullins, and the MTC second
years/TEAM teachers, I didn’t ever expect teaching to be easy or to particularly
excel at it. I definitely did imagine some better version of myself teaching
though: being there for all my students, coming up with engaging lessons, and
being the strict, but ultimately nice teacher that students grow to love. This
illusion completely ignores that fact that I am an incredibly awkward person
and that I kind of suck at basic human interactions sometimes (i.e. basically
all the time).
Building a
rapport with my students has been a long, slow process. I don’t know why I
thought it would be so easy to reach out and interact with students when that
is something I struggle with on a personal level. I have never been personable, good at small talk, or emoting. I do better in small group settings than trying to
socialize with a room full of people. Lately, I have started to feel as if some
of my students actually like me, which makes up for the fact that my classroom
management is slipping.
I think the
biggest disappointment this semester has been my Creative Writing class. I went
into the school year excited to teach something I loved and provide a creative
outlet for my students. However, my kids don’t seem to care about creativity,
especially in written form. They don’t like writing multiple drafts of anything
and I have absolutely no idea how to teach kids how to edit writing. Or
appreciate it. I have always enjoyed reading and writing for the sake of
reading and writing. I never needed anyone to create a buy-in for me. I just
enjoyed it. When I couldn’t figure out how to instill enthusiasm and my kids
failed to respond with enthusiasm, I gave up. (To be fair, students notoriously
don’t care about elective classes at Byers – they’re just an extra obligation
rather than a chance to further their educations.) All the projects and writing
I wanted my kids to do didn’t happen and now I am just trying to get to the end
of the semester.
Unfortunately,
that’s an attitude I have with all of my classes, getting to the end of the semester. Very few of my students enjoy
reading for the sake of reading. And I don’t know how to make it enjoyable for
them. I am also very tired at this point, having to prep for three classes on a
daily basis. I wish I could have had some extra support this semester. The
first year is difficult enough just teaching one class, but some days, it feels
almost impossible teaching three. (I know I’ve complained about class prep enough
now that no one probably cares at this point. If I had one suggestion for next
year, be careful where you place first year teachers and try to watch out for
districts that have them teaching three preps right out the gate, especially when
they aren’t going to receive additional support in creating and producing classroom
materials.)
I frequently get overwhelmed by the workload and completely check
out, kind of like executive function overload. I have never done well with a
constant workload. I am much better with handling work in little bursts of
effort instead of all day, every day. I am a sprinter, not a marathon runner.
My biggest consolation right now is that next year is going to be easier when I
won’t have to make everything from
scratch. That is what is keeping me going right now: next year will be better.
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